March 26, 2006

PS A reminder

Because I came home last night and found a BIG one of these smack in the middle of my security door chowing down on a poor defenceless grasshopper (half of which is still hanging on my door cos it's gross and ewww a big hairy gross spider was touching it and I haven't gotten around to cleaning it off yet), I am issuing a reminder of Mel's rules for spiders. I was quite clear about these when I moved in. I'm sure I broadcast them on the right psychic frequency for the local bugs but apparently we have some new kids on the block who haven't gotten the message.

For the record I don't like spiders. I'm fine with mice, rats, snakes, lizards and other creepy crawlies. Even sharks (though I'm not saying I want to come across one) but spiders I've always hated. Eight legged freaks is right. I've gotten better over the years but huntsmen (that's what that is for you non aussies who are lucky enough not to have them in their country, a huntsman) still, to quote Buffy, give me the wiggins. I'm amazed I'm not still standing on my front porch going "eeeeeeeeekkkkkkk". Thank God I'd left the porch light on so I didn't go blundering up to it in the dark (ick, ick, ick). Lucky it ran the right way (aka away from me and around the corner) when I bravely banged on the door with my handy gardening trowel). Sorry to my neighbours for the midnight thumpings.

So Mel's rules for spiders.

Rule 1. I know you have an ecological role to play but play it outside my house. Unless you are a daddy long legs or some teeny weeny harmless money spider, if you come into my house, you will die. This goes double for whitetails and the big icky hairy ones.
Rule 2. Outside my house, if you are of the big icky hairy variety, you'd better stay where I cannot see you. If I can see you and you're somewhere I have to be near (like my freakin front door) or somewhere that looks like you might get into my house , see Rule 1. Death, yours.
Rule 3. My car. Do not even think about it. You will die. I will probably crash. It will be bad for both of us.
Rule 4. Addendum for my current crop of daddy long legs. Some of you are getting quite large and doing freaky things like eating your babies. This is gross. If you get too gross, see Rule 1.
Rule 5. Mum, if you read this, picking up huntsmen is weird and wrong and they will too bite you.

To sum up, spiders leave me alone and I'll leave you alone.


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